Set Me Free
by Michie-ko
Summary: After Michiru's death, Haruka falls into a spiral of self-destructiveness. [Finished]
1. Life

[My first Sailormoon Fanfic. Also, my first fic that will end up being multiple chapters.  
  
Why in the world did I write this? I like this story, but it's too sad and overwhelming. I've been hitting myself ever since for killing off my favorite character, but at least Haruka's alive...  
  
Be sure to read my Tokyo Mew Mew fan fiction as well. I love reviews. Please, please be brutally honest.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own them; why would I be here if I did? I'm obsessed with them, I cry buckets when they die, but I don't own them. Naoko-sama and companies own them.]  
  
One- Life  
  
Another race, another day. It's like nothing holds my interests anymore, now that the battles are over. Although I love this peace, sometimes I wish it didn't bore me. But I couldn't be happier, living with my child, good friend, and of course, the love of my life. Sometimes I wish for more, but then again, what would I wish for? Just as I am, I'm happy here. I love this world.  
I climb out of the car, and pull off my helmet. Reaching up, I wipe the sweat off of my forehead with the cuff of my sleeve. I smell the scent of the raceway that surrounds me, taking it all in. Beautiful.  
Off to the side, I take a seat. She's walking toward me, with a bottle of water and a towel, just as she does at all of my races. Michiru, what would I do without you? You're my stability, keeping my life in check. Without you, I'd self-destruct. I'd set aside all that I need to stay healthy, and race off on my own whims. You never know what would happen, and I don't want to find out. I might have ended up dying, a year ago, three, even today. No, I was already dying before you found me. Like a comet towards the sun, I was streaking toward some sort of beautiful doom. I need you to guide me back onto course.  
And then, out of the corner of my eye, a man. Running towards me, purposefully, and with anger. There's danger that surrounds this man like a thick soup; I can smell it, tainting this beautiful scent of the cars, of the wind. His hand, at his side, clenched. Ruffled black hair, brown eyes, flaming. I'd never seen him in my life, but didn't want him near me. It wasn't fear I felt, it was anxiety.  
His eyes spot me. I'm rooted to this spot, wanting to know who he is, what he wants. I want to run over to Michiru, who has spotted me by now. She looks quizzically at me, asking me what the matter is, only with her eyes. Deep, gorgeous eyes. God, I love those eyes, with my whole being.  
  
The man comes into full view. In his right hand is clenched a gun. Panic streaks across my nerves, chemicals, adrenaline, screaming to me, trying to force me to run. That gun, it shouldn't be here, in this country. Illegal. Not that it matters right now. Right now, I have to get away. But now that gun is pointed at me. If I run, he'll shoot. If I stay here, he'll shoot. I'm tensed up, like a wild animal. Everything in this body of mine is trying to force me to run, but I can't. I'm trapped in this spot, frozen. Time slows. I can hear people screaming. Someone is shouting for the security. Not like that would do much good now; he's pointing the thing at me. His lips are moving, but I can't make out words. I hear my name in his sentences, reflecting the anger in his voice. Damn it, Haruka, run! But I can't. I just...can't.  
And everything is moving so slowly. Everything, each detail, I take in. My senses are sharp, but I can't react. Then, a blur. A voice, breaking through the barrier that has become my motions. Michiru's. It brings me back, pulls me out of the pool of my senses. It's like I'm choking up water. Little things begin to rush back to me, and then, a tidal wave of the moment, slamming me back into this twisted moment of reality. His hand, the one with the gun, quivering, twitching, and that just might be the end of me. One wrong move by him, or by me for that matter, and I'm dead. Just like that, my life, hanging in the balance. And then, a thought. I suppose that if I could transform fast enough, I could get out of there. But, then the thought is gone. There's a huge crowd circled all around us by now, and they would all see. Then, they would suspect, and even if I did live, I'd be under constant examination. In the end, that might put our princess, or even the rest of my family in danger. And I would give my life to prevent that.  
So, I try to reason with him. In as calming of a voice that I can muster, I speak to him. I don't bring up me at all; that just might make him even angrier. Instead, I ask him his name, about his family, if he likes racing, questions of the sort. To try and sympathize, to get him to realize that there are people who don't want him to do this. He won't listen to me, no matter how hard I try. With those eyes of flame, he stares at me, all while raving like a madman. I realize I'm scared, though I won't admit it. There's a way out of this. I'll find it; I have to find it.  
The security guards arrive. They're scared; honestly, who handles these things at a racetrack? Normally they just deal with people bringing outside items, special cameras that are banned, and the occasional drunk. Nothing like this, that has a life hanging on the edge. This is the stuff they watch on television, not what they have to deal with at work. I should know; it's the same kind of movies I like to watch. But there's always the perfect ending, and you're never the one being held at gunpoint. Now I'm that victim, the person with their life on the line.  
From the crowd, someone shouts out an encouragement to the guard. But, it's like a cheer at a wrestling match, not this. No! Don't do that; don't tackle him! The gun will go off before he gets close to the ground! I want to scream, to tear away from there, into the arms of my gorgeous goddess. She's standing there, eyes full of fear, but still strong. Please, please, if anything, let me live so she won't cry. Please, God, save me, if only for Michiru's sake.  
The guards are confused. First they try to reason with him, to convince him that he doesn't have to do this, that there are other ways that this can be worked out. Of course that won't work; he has his mind set on something. If it's killing me, why hasn't he done it? No, it's probably something deeper, something more heinous. He wants me to fear him, and he wants to prove that he's in control of me. It's working, alright?! I want to scream, to break from his control, to make this all right. If only I could just scream...but I won't. I can't.  
And all hell breaks loose. The guard, idiot that he was, didn't bother waiting for the police to arrive. He followed the urging of the crowd, and while the man's back was turned, ran and smashed into him. Too quick was the finger on the trigger though; I saw it pull back, and I heard the gunshot. It sounded like a firecracker. And then I didn't feel anything at all. I closed my eyes.  
And opened them.  
I fell to my knees. In front of me, on the ground, was my only love, one of only a very few people I would die in an instant for, my partner through both life and death. Michiru had taken the blow for me, jumped in front of me as soon as she had seen the movement begin. No! This...I...no!  
Bending over her, she was still alive, I noticed. My thoughts were fragments, my world, shattered like a mirror. This couldn't be. I had promised to never her die before me, and here I am, standing over her bleeding, dying body. I did the only thing I could possibly allow myself to do, the only thing I wanted to do now. I screamed. 


	2. Pain

[Of course I didn't create them. Takeuchi Naoko-sama did.  
  
Story by the one and only Michie.  
  
Yes, I'm a huge Neptune fan. But I needed a challenge, and I found that in both killing her off and writing from Haruka's perspective. I love Haruka almost as much as Michiru; she's a very complex character.  
  
I wouldn't mind reviews...  
  
Enjoy!]  
  
Two: Pain  
  
Michiru...Michiru... I call your name countless times, sobbing into your body. You try to answer me back, but you can't. Your lips are moving, whispering, but nothing comes out. I can see you, straining against this death that is sucking you in, but you're losing. Sirens are in the background, screaming. Like dead spirits, coming for you, taking you away from me.  
Tears, from my eyes, falling onto your beautiful face. Tears, from my heart, flooding me up inside. I hold you close, just like this, just like I used to. Whispering to me since some time ago, the pain of my shredded heart magnifies. I won't let you die! I won't let you go! If anything, I'll save you, with my own hands; if anything, I'll let my love for you save you from death. But you know. You know that nothing can save your body now.  
You look up at me, the light behind your beautiful eyes, fading. The wild spark, the soldier that was always ready, always willing to do whatever it took, is dying, and I can see it in your eyes. Please, please don't fade away like this. Please don't leave me here, alone. You can't do this to me; we have a life together. We're more than just friends, we're partners, lovers, guardians. Damn it, Michiru, don't leave me! You're the one dying, but you're killing me, too.  
Trying to speak your last words to me, your lips move gently, softly. They're red, but not from the elegant lipstick you usually wear. Instead, they're stained with your own blood. And then the words come, softly, not more than a whisper.  
"Haruka..."  
I cry out to you. "Michiru! Please, just hang on!"  
"No...I..."  
"Just a little longer. The paramedics are coming. You'll be all right!" But my eyes betray my hopeful words.  
"I love you, Haruka. With all of the power I've ever had. With..." You cough, causing more blood to run across your face. I gently brush it away with my sleeve. I'm covered in your blood, in your life.  
"With everything inside of me...I love you..."  
"Michiru...I love you so much...please, just, oh God, hang on..."  
"Strange...it's the first time...you've told me that." Why did it have to be now, today, this very moment, when she first hears those words from me? I've felt them in my heart for years; I just haven't had the courage to say them out loud. But she knew how I felt. She always knew. "Just let me go, Haruka. Please...set me free."  
"I can't! I won't!" I choke back another scream, and sob into your weak form.  
"I'm glad it ends like this...with you, holding me..."  
"No! I'll save you!"  
"So warm...beautiful..." Your eyes grow darker. You try to speak again, but you can't. There's only enough strength left in you to gently hold onto me, barely gripping my shirt. I hold you close, taking in your scent, your body. Gently, I touch your face, tracing invisible lines on your pale, smooth skin. With my fingertips, I smooth your wild, wavy hair back, away from your dying eyes. I kiss you, softly, gently. Why do you do this? How can you give up on this? Are you in so much pain, hurting so much, that death would be better than this? I cry for you, for what you've become. How could this have happened to you, like this? This isn't the Michiru I love, the soldier, the musician, the lover. This is a defeated woman, with her greatest wish to die.  
My frame shudders with anger. That man...what he did to you is unforgivable. And the thought that comes next makes me sick: he wanted to do that to me. To make me suffer like that. If it were me, it wouldn't have mattered. But his sick mind forced you into this mess, into this quagmire that neither of us can escape from.  
Just let me hold you close, and whisper a silent prayer to you. I don't wish for your death, and I will stop it if I can. But, there's no way I can prevent you from dying when your greatest wish is to be free of this pain. So that's all I'll do, hold you, and try to save you, until the paramedics come. And when they do, I'll be by your side, watching their every move, ensuring that you are safe and at peace.  
But if you were to die, I would stay here like this for as long as I could, protecting the last shard I have of you. I would hold your limp body close to my chest, screaming, letting the world know my pain. Some good would come out of it though; you'd be free.  
Wait; how can I say things like that? I won't let you fade away! We still have a life to live together! We have to grow old, in a peaceful place, and what about Hotaru? She needs a mother figure like you. You had always said you had no regrets, but that's impossible for me now. I wish you hadn't taken that bullet; or better yet, that it had missed us both entirely. But what good will wishes do me now?  
Your body gives a violent shake; your eyes grow dark. As your life leaves your body, you smile at me. Yes, you are free now. But, what about me? You can't just leave me here, alone, like this! God, this can't be. No. It isn't; it's all a dream. But my heart knows that isn't true.  
Your form goes limp. I cry; the tears won't stop coming. This moment is a nightmare, my greatest fear come true. The one thing I feared was losing you. Even death did not daunt me; I was invincible as long as you were by my side. But now, you're gone. And all I have left are regrets and memories.  
  
[tbc] 


	3. Dying

[Disclaimer: In a way, I'm glad that I didn't create them. I'm not so sure I'd like to be the parent of something so complex and painful.  
  
Once again, story by the one and only Michie.  
  
I had someone read this and say that Haruka was out of character; that she'd never just give up like that. But, does anyone remember how willing she was to shoot the talisman out of herself in episode 111? Those emotions are the basis for that.  
  
I like reviews...  
  
Enjoy!]  
  
Three: Dying  
  
Two days. It's been two days without you here. It's not like I haven't been without you before; back then, you'd go off and travel on concert tours across the country, or in Europe. But it's different now. I can't call you; ask you how you are, when you're coming back. Because you're not.  
That day was the longest day of my life. The police arrived a few minutes after you died. They tried to get me to leave your body where it was, to get up, to walk away from you. But I couldn't. All I had left of you in this world was that body, the form that had once been yours, the graceful, gentle figure, the body of a soldier. She was gone, but I still held her body in my arms. Nothing they did could convince me to let go.  
It seemed that the man had fled the area. Now, I wonder why he didn't shoot me after he had shot you. I wish he would have, so I wouldn't have had to suffer like this. He probably just saw me, in pain, and got what he wanted. I'm suffering more now than any physical pain I could ever experience.  
So, they left me be, for a time, with you. I was a mess. I still am. Covered in your blood, sobbing into your body, screaming curses and pleading with the crowd, wishing with all of my power that I could bring you back. Then, they decided that I could no longer stay there. The officers had to pull me off of you with their own arms. It took four of them; I was kicking and screaming and crying. Finally I just gave up.  
They tried to ask me questions about what had happened to you, but I couldn't answer them. I want to help them find the man who did this to you, but without you, I have no strength to do much of anything. I can hardly exist.  
Late at night I got home. Setsuna and Hotaru knew about it, as the police had come by earlier. They had looked though my things, to see if there were any clues about why someone had wanted to hurt me. Hotaru was in her room, and it was Setsuna who had greeted me at the door. She had been crying, I could tell, but wasn't any longer. That angered me; I wanted to see her cry. I wanted to see them all cry for Michiru. It just isn't fair. Were any of them affected at all by her death? I can't tell. Of course, I don't cry anymore either. But, with me, it's because I don't have any tears left.  
I can't sleep; I lay awake at night, with that moment playing over and over again inside of my head. Even when I'm awake, I think about how I could have saved you. I've hardly eaten; the only things keeping me from dying are glasses of water and the occasional sandwich Setsuna brings up to me. Hotaru-chan has visited me up here occasionally, but I can't talk to her for long. There's nothing inside of me for her to talk to. I feel like an empty shell; my soul is where you are.  
The littlest things remind me of you. Just yesterday, I noticed your hairbrush, sitting neatly on your nightstand. I picked it up, smelled it. And then, it was almost as if I was lying next to you in bed again, my arms wrapped around you, my face buried in your gorgeous waves of hair. You smelled like the sea.  
I drove down to the shore last night, to catch that smell. We used to drive there, together, and sit on the rocks, and look out at the endless vastness. The wind blowing over the water is different there. At that place was the perfect blend of sea and sky. A representation of us; what we once were. Inseparable.  
Nothing is exciting anymore. I can drive around for hours, and I'll still be numb. The wind through my hair, the thrill of the race, it doesn't matter anymore. Driving isn't worth it without you by my side, waiting there, talking in your melodious voice, laughing beautifully at my silly words. I can't race anymore. There's not enough fight in me left. They've been contacting the house, worried that the best racer in Japan won't get back into any major races this season. If I don't race, I won't get into the championships. And Setsuna gives them all the same reply. She's still recovering. She'll race again when she's ready. But I can't tell them that there might be no time when I'm ready. Maybe I'll just fade away, like so many other legends. Fine with me. That doesn't matter anymore to me, like so many other things.  
I know I'll die if I keep this up. Without food, without rest, my body will simply fall apart. Hotaru-chan looks sad whenever she looks at me now. I don't want her to think that this is what happens when you fall in love, but it's true. If I hadn't met you, if I hadn't fallen in love with you, I wouldn't be like this. But there'd be so many other things that I wouldn't have done, that I wouldn't be. I was a coward back before I met you. I would probably still be one now.  
They all look at me with such pity in their eyes. Some of the girls came over today to visit, and Mako-chan brought a cake she had made. It looked good, but I just couldn't eat any. They all looked so sad, and they all said that they felt so sorry. But, what do they feel? It's harsh, I know, but they didn't know Michiru like I did. They'll keep on living without her, but I know I can't.  
Hotaru always looks at me with sad eyes now. I can't stand it; she doesn't look at me like a parent anymore, more like a sad, lost soul. But maybe that's what I've become. A wandering spirit with no more love in this world. 


	4. Death

[Well, it's over.  
  
Finally I finish this fic. It's been a long, emotional journey. I can't say that I'm happy I wrote it, but I do like it.  
  
Haruka, Michiru, and all other Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon characters are owned by Takeuchi-sama, Toei, and/or Kodansha. Not me. Never have, never will.  
  
Story by the one and only Michie.  
  
Please write a review, good or bad. I haven't been getting a lot of feedback, and I'd like to get some more!  
  
I've always liked the thought of Haruka and Michiru sleeping in a giant white bed, arms wrapped around each other, thinking of nothing else in the world. Even in this angst-filled fic, I used that metaphor. I like to think of that as a metaphor for a love immune to everything around it.  
  
Enjoy, and once again, please review. ]  
  
Four: Death  
  
The dark of night comes like a velvet cloth. It muffles the world, smothers it, drugs it into a deep sleep. But I can't sleep; not now, not for a long time. It hurts all too much.  
I sit up in bed, the white, fluffy bed that we once shared. I used to think of it like a cloud, a gorgeous, white, soft cloud. And every morning, I would wake up from the sunlight streaming in the window, with my arms wrapped around her. And she would be pressed up against me, with her arm resting lightly over my chest, her breathing soft, gentle. And I would smile at the wonderful moment I was in. If there is one thing I don't want to forget, it's that.  
But now, everything's dark. My bed has become a prison, a jester, taunting me. It won't let me sleep; no, it's me who won't let me sleep. But the bed is the one who is laughing. In the fading light of summer, slowly turning into a misty fall, the bed is no longer white. It is gray, tainted with death. This place is no longer my sanctuary; it is my cell that I have been condemned to.  
There has to be a way out of this. I can't sit like this, wishing for what once was and will never be again. I can't sit like this every night, each week, month, year, for the rest of my existence. I'll fade away in the night, like a mist that burns away in the coming morning. I'll simply disappear, like the fading light of summer into autumn. Like a wraith, like a ghost. I have no spirit to go on like this. My soul is with her.  
And I smile to myself. Maybe I'm healing, since I'm no longer talking to Michiru in my head. But then I am saddened. Maybe I'm forgetting as well.  
I can't sleep, but of course, I realized this long ago. So I get up and walk downstairs. The house is dark, silent. Setsuna must have gone to bed long ago; the last I checked, she was typing away on the computer. And Hotaru was fast asleep when I checked on her. Michiru would be proud; see? I'm not forgetting about my duties as a parent entirely.  
I glance out the window. There are the gardens you so carefully tended, like a second child. Gorgeous roses, white ones. White roses always remind me of you. You always liked such a flower, bringing them home for special occasions and the like. I turn away. Those days seem like a millennium ago.  
Wandering into the kitchen, I run into the table, striking my knee against it. I curse softly under my breath. I wander over to the sink to get a cup of water, and rest my hand on the counter next to it. The dark lights above my head shine, the glass twinkling in the moonlight. I remember you used to wash the dishes in here after dinner every night, with the soft lights on. Sometimes you would hum to yourself, and I'd secretly listen. I miss the sound of your voice so much...to just hear it again, I would give anything.  
I feel something moist trickling down my hand on the counter. I look down; the palm of my hand is dark with blood. Without realizing it, I had cut myself on a knife that was on the countertop. I lift up my hand, examining the injury. The blood is starting to dry, and isn't flowing anymore. It wasn't deep at all.  
But the sight of the blood brings back memories deep inside of me that would best stay there. A single gunshot, a screaming crowd, and her. Holding her gently, screaming, not wanting to let her go. Horrible, heart- shredding memories that I'd been trying to keep down for the past two days. Memories of something that should never had happened.  
I looked at the knife. Shining silver blade, worn wooden handle. To have been able to cut my palm just like that...it was sharp. And that brought back memories as well, memories of the birth of another blade, but that one came from my heart. She had died there, then, as well. But then I was dazed, stunned. I didn't comprehend that. And when I did, I knew then what I had to do for my mission. But there was something else that even I didn't realize then, but do now.  
I killed myself because I had lost all hope.  
Not hope for a future; no, Sailormoon could bring that. With her, there is always a future. No, hope for my future with her. And when she died, I knew that such a hope was gone. But inside of me, with that talisman, there was hope for the planet. So, when my hope died, when I died, I gave a new hope to the world.  
And then, back then, death had been the solution. With death, there comes rebirth. And of course, I am a soldier. We're both soldiers. So there is always a future for us.  
To bring her back, to create a future together, I have to die. So maybe that is the solution I need now. It is so simple. We're separated by my life, so I have to end it. And then we can be together.  
I gently press the blunt side of the blade against the inside of my wrist. For the first time in days, I'm happy. We will get another chance together, for a life together, in whatever generation, in whatever form. Michiru, I will meet you again; we won't be separated. Neither life, nor death can keep us apart.  
But just as I'm about to cut, there's a thought. Your funeral is tomorrow. What would they say if I don't show up? Sure, I'm a wreck. I have no energy; I haven't slept or eaten in days. But how would that present you, as a person? The lover of someone pathetic enough to kill herself right before your funeral. I can't do such a thing to your reputation, to their memories of you. So, I put down the knife, not for myself, not for them, but for you. I want them to remember you as the elegant woman, the musician, the artist, and by a select few, the gorgeous soldier.  
So I'll wait, but only for a while.  
I climb back up the stairs and into bed. And there, I sleep for the first time in what seems like an eternity. Why? Because in a few days, I'll be with you once again, and that is just where I want to be forever.  
And I'll be free from this pain that has become my life, and I'll be free of this life that has become full of pain. Death will set me free. Set me free, so I can be with you.  
  
[End]  
  
[Thank you so much for reading this from beginning to end!] 


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